Thursday, March 28, 2019

A Request !

To contact me, please write to me to this e-mail ID - The other option is to leave your comment in this blog. You can do so anonymously too. The contact form I have given on the top right of the blog is not functioning properly. Sometimes I get updates after several days. Recently I missed so many important messages and queries. Although I might not have answers for all the queries, I can do my best to help you. This gives me enormous happiness. It helps me to learn new things. I like interacting with people. It gives me the satisfaction that I am doing something useful. If you write to me and do not get a reply, please forward your e-mail again. Thank you !

This post will always be on the top and all other updates will appear below this.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Anisha is six months old !

Anisha is six months old, going to be seven soon. This month, she has reached some great developmental milestones. She hasn't started to crawl yet. I think she is a bit lazy, like me. She is happy to be in our hands and expects us to do what she wants - to pick her toys and keep it near her, and so on. In this way, she doesn't have to do much of the moving. But yes, she does try to get moving when lying down. She raises her front and back, and then instead of moving forward she moves backwards a couple of steps :) I think, soon she will be crawling and I have to run behind her. I can't wait for that day.
She has started to take solid foods, but, still her main nutrition is mother's milk. I give her almost everything - from idly to meat and liver. She doesn't prefer fruits, anything sweet makes her to gag.
I think, I have an angry little one. When she wants to say no to food, once her stomach gets full, she grunts. That means I must stop feeding. This grunting applies to many other things too. It just means - "stop that, won't you !"
She has started to talk - I mean, to babble. It feels like she is talking. When she gets up early in the morning (at 4'o clock) and start to babble and play, believe me, my heart just melts, however tired I may be. Now, when watching rhymes, she babbles with it too.
Her dad is her playmate, a person who appears too funny. Whatever he does, she giggles, giggles and giggles. Even if he bends, that's something very amusing for her. She eagerly waits for her dad's arrival from work.
I am her love. Or, I wonder, whether she is afraid of someone stealing her milk when she is away from me ;) She wants to be in my hands all the time, and this behavior is more pronounced in the evenings. Even if she is in her dad's hand, if she sees me entering the room, she wants to come to me. How good it feels to be someone's priority !
Her fear of strangers is still there. This weekend, she cried and cried when one of our friends picked her up. I am happy in a way. As she grows, I don't want that she goes to strangers, I don't want that everyone holds her. 
That's how Anisha is nowadays.
I agree, I haven't done much justice to my blog. But, I am working on something else whenever I find time, I will soon let you know about it. It's all about infertility support ! And, I need all your support for that.
I hope, I am not hurting anyone by talking much about motherhood.  You will all understand my joy and ecstasy if you know my journey to get Anisha. And moreover, when I lost my twins, I hopped from blog to blog looking for little ones' pictures, especially IVF or surrogacy baby pictures, to find some hope. That helped me to keep my faith strong. I hope Anisha's pictures does help some of you in a similar way.
I do reply to e-mails. Please do write to me if you have any questions; answering your queries keeps me happy too when I feel really worthless and depressed. 

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Happy Birthday, Dr !

Dear Dr,

It has been three years since I know you, and knowing you has made a huge positive difference in my life - thank you ! Before I knew you, I came across your blog (blog.drmalpani.com every article you posted. I learned a lot from it ; it also gave me enormous moral strength to go through my excruciatingly painful IVF journey. Your blog contains a treasure of information which every patient, especially IVF patients, must read.  I wonder how you manage to update your blog everyday - it just shows the passion you have for your profession; the passion for sharing information with the patients; and the passion for educating them ! 

When I started my IVF journey, everyone around me, including the doctors I met, asked me to stay away from internet. Whenever I went with some questions and suggestions about my treatment, I was discouraged and sometimes even ridiculed. I was made to feel that knowing about the treatment details of my infertility is none of my business. I was warned that knowing little is dangerous; I was mocked for trying to play the role of a doctor without a valid medical degree. 

The below picture, I took recently from an intern's FB post:

This is how most doctors react to their patients' eagerness to take an active part in their treatment.

I am a person who want to involve myself in my medical care. When I was 5 or 6 years old, I fell down and broke my crown. The wound was bleeding profusely. My mother and her friend took me to a nearby hospital. On the way, they were talking about how big the cut is and was wondering whether the doctor will give a suture. They were saying that, if the doctor sutures the wound, it will be very painful. I was hearing everything silently. Once we entered the clinic and saw the doctor, I told him very clearly that I do not want a suture as it will cause much pain. When I heard this incident from my mom, I was so proud that I was able to voice my concern even when I was so little. Although, the final, well-fitting decision was in the hands of the doctor, I made sure to let him know my wish too as per the information I received. If I haven't done so, might he would have sutured the wound. Might be after hearing my concern he thought of leaving it as such with a dressing. My mom said that he looked amused by his little patient and promised that he wouldn't do a suture. 

I am a biologist who could understand my treatment details very well. I could have an intelligent conversation with my doctor. Even then, I was discouraged to take an active part in my treatment. After five failed IVF cycles and a FET, after trying a therapy called paternal lymphocyte immunization therapy which is of no proven benefit, I was at wits' end. Infertility is an emotionally debilitating illness. Adding to that,  lack of proper information and guidance could instill lots of fear. I was haunted by many questions - "Is there anything I could do more ? Why won't my embryos implant ? Is there anything I could do to improve the outcome of my IVF cycle ? How long should I try IVF ? Is there a magical solution ? Why my doctor is not giving me any information when my IVF cycle fails, apart from saying, sorry ? Since the paternal lymphocyte immunization therapy failed to provide a successful outcome, does it mean I will never have a baby ? What is wrong with my body ?" My questions remained answered !

I started to look for IVF doctors in India. During that time I came across your blog. It was so good to see you introducing yourself as a patient advocate who prescribes information therapy. Your blog not only helped me to find the answers I needed but also counselled me. My fears calmed down. I found solace in penning down my emotions and opinions in your blog. You suggested me that I must write a blog too and it will be highly therapeutic.

That is how my blog came into being. You gave me suggestions regarding what topics will be helpful for the patients. You patiently corrected all my articles. My English was very poor, I even had no idea how to use proper punctuations (still I don't !). But, you always had kind words to encourage me. You are humble enough to say that you learn a lot from me too. The more I wrote, more I learned. The more I learned, more confident I became. As you said, writing a blog is very, very therapeutic - I started to look at my infertility in a whole new light.  Putting my thoughts and feelings in words helped me to look beyond my fears and failures. 

My blog is only  three years old and has 500,000 hits. I get lots of e-mails from patients. Helping them to find answers to their questions has helped me too - I learn a lot too ! Counselling them has helped me to overcome my fears too. Not only patients, even doctors write to me congratulating me for my articles. Once a doctor said that she would love to print my (our!) articles and give to her patients. Recently, a doctor wrote to me saying that, my articles will not only help patients but doctors too ! 

I am not registering everything here to boast about you or about myself.  I just want to let people know what kind of magic a good doctor could create; how he could help patients to help themselves and to help others too; how important it is to be a well-informed patient and also to find a doctor who will answer all their questions patiently and involve them in their own healthcare decisions.

Dr, thank you so much for everything you have done for me ! I have learned a lot from you. You have taught me :

Intellectual humility - You have shown me that there is something to learn from everyone I meet and from every situation I face. After all, life is nothing but a learning experience !

To think outside the box -  I have never seen you following the masses. You have an original outlook about anything and everything. For example, you never suggest some therapy to your patients just because everyone else is doing so ! You weigh carefully the scientific evidence and its pros and cons.

To be consistent and never give up - Your blog, website and the patient education materials you create are a proof of that ! You are blogging for more than 10 years and that too almost everyday ! You relentlessly update your website and create patient education materials.

To stand for what I believe in - Your efforts to promote information therapy says it all ! 

To be passionate about what I do.

To be a well-informed patient and the importance of it.

Apart from my blog, apart from the good things I learned from you, I am now extremely grateful to you and your team for helping us to have our little Anisha. Atlast our dream has come true ! She has made our life very beautiful and lively. 

If not for your presence and guidance, if not for my blog, I might have given up IVF a long back. I might not have had Anisha. Thanks a ton Dr for being there !

Today is your birthday. I wanted to let you know that you will always be thought of with so much fondness for who you are. I hope you will be honored for your efforts in promoting patient education and information therapy in India.

Happy Birthday, Dr ! May you stay very happy, healthy and blessed ; may all goodness follow you for many, many, many more years to come !


Wait Dr, Anisha wants to tell you something too :

Hi Dr :) Anisha here. Hope you are doing good. I am fine; amma and appa loves me so much and I am basking in that love and warmth. Amma said that today is your birthday - happy birthday ! Be very happy always !

Thanks a lot for helping my parents to bring me into this world ! May I ask you something - when can I have a picture with you, just like the above picture where you are with a cute little one ?

Love and hugs,

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Anisha is 5 months old !

Time flies by, our little one is growing fast. Anisha is fine and so are we. She has started to roll over exactly at four and half months. She has to try so hard to achieve it and she was practicing the skill whenever she is lying down. One fine day, she rolled over and was happy, happy. The way she looked at me proudly, after achieving the feat, will remain etched in my heart always.

One thing that worries me is, nothing entertains her more than Chu Chu TV rhymes.  Recently, I could see how involved she is in those cartoon characters by her facial expressions. She even smiles when her favorite rhyme appears on screen. She thoroughly enjoys it. I try to be a good mom and entertain her as much as I can. I take her out, show her flowers and plants. I try to read her books and play with her. But, there are times when I have to do house hold work and I then leave her in her comfort chair with rhymes on. I hope it doesn't hurt her in any way. If anyone of you have any suggestions please let me know !

Breast feeding continues. After crossing four months, she started to take feed more often than before. That took a toll on my nipples again; now they are cracked at the tip. It does pain, but, not as worse as it was in the beginning. I thought, Anisha will start to sleep long stretches as she ages, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. She still wakes up two times every night for feeding. I tried giving her solid food. But she wants only milk and  she is satisfied with it. Hopefully, after six months, this trend changes. I can't wait to feed her different foods and understand her tastes.

She has started to let me know that she needs me and searches for me when I am not around. Yesterday, I went out to throw the garbage. She was in her dad's hand. She saw me leaving. When I entered few seconds later, the reaction in her face was precious. She was surprised, her eyes were wide open and was so happy to see me. She was trying to catch my attention with a broad smile as if she was trying to say, "oh, you are here again !"

She now catches things and moves them here and there. She wants me nearby all the time, especially, when sleeping at night. She wakes up even if I am not nearby her for a few minutes. I, on the other hand, will never be able to sleep alone without her nearby. Sometimes she prefers to sleep on my chest and at times I take her and keep her on my chest even if she is sleeping nearby. I don't know who is spoiling who, but, I do whatever it feels good for her and for me - a typical me who follows the heart more than my brain !

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something else - we have moved to a new city ! This place is awesome, satisfies all my dreams of living in a country side. The last two pictures are from the place where we live now. This place is famous for wine making and what you see on the slopes is vineyards.

Life has changed a lot and I understand it will continue to. I am ready for changes, but, let every change bring with it lots of happiness for Anisha. That's my only prayer nowadays. I hope every one of you are doing good. When I receive e-mails like, 'I want an Anisha too', 'Anisha gives us hope', 'Anisha is like our niece', 'I come to your blog to see Anisha', I am so much humbled. Thanks for all the love !

Again, if I haven't replied to anyone of you, I am really sorry ! Shifting to new place has taken lots of my time and I was not feeling that great for sometime now. I will definitely get back to you soon.

As usual, some of Anisha's snaps below :

Thursday, May 14, 2015

God, infertility and IVF

I was introduced to God by my parents at a very young age; perhaps during the time when I started to imitate my elders. They took me to temples , asked me to keep my palms together and said, “Ask God that He should take care of you and protect you”. I repeated what they said without even understanding the meaning of what I am repeating “God please protect me !”. My parents were very happy and so were my near and dear ones . They enjoyed the childishness in the words I uttered. They were pleased that I would grow into a “God-fearing” child. But I had no idea who God is. I felt happy to be in a temple because I could see so many different people there; I was excited to repeat what I was told to - because everyone’s attention was on me and I got lots of appreciation for what I did. This is how God came into my life. I never knew at that point of time that this invisible person, whom I will never meet, will shape my life; will have a strong control over me and will provide me with emotional protection. I also never knew that He can make me feel guilty and fill me with irrational fears !

When I grew a bit older, my parents used God as a tool to control my pranks. They used to say “Manju, if you tell lies God will pierce your eyes; so do not lie.” I used to get terrible dreams of losing my eye sight every time I lied. However, the lie saved me from my elder’s anger more effectively than God would. But the fear that God will punish me remained etched in my mind.

I was educated in schools run by Christian organizations. I learned a lot about God there. We had a church within the school; there were regular prayer meetings and bible studies. In such an environment, I got to hear the message - “God loves you” , and this was a very new message for me. I was taught until then that God will protect me from harm and He will punish me when I do something wrong; but no one told me that God loves me and I had no insightful thinking to assume that the “super power”loves me. Those were the times I started to feel closer to God ; I started to treat Him as my friend. I shared with Him my fears and wants; when I was worried, and when I could not talk to anyone about what bothered me, I knew where to go. I went to church, kneeled in front of Him, told Him my worries and asked for help. When I reached out to Him, my fears appeared less bothersome and I strongly believed that I would get help. I asked Him help for everything –for getting good marks, so that my dad wouldn’t get upset; for protecting me from my teachers’ wrath whenever I failed to do my homework; for giving me the things I desired; for protecting my mom, dad and sister; for curing my dear ones - and for many more things ! God became my confidant – He knew everything about me – each of my secrets. I struggled hard to keep my thinking good – I was scared that bad thinking would bring forth God’s anger and He would punish me ! I also learned to seek His forgiveness whenever I did something wrong; whenever I went against my conscience. I got a lot of relief when I could repent and get His forgiveness. The bonding I had with Him increased day by day , and I am sure He loved me unconditionally!

I was taught this prayer during school days – and I can recite it even now :

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Then came my teen age years – I was physically and mentally metamorphosing into a new person. Raging hormones; physical changes; and lots of new, exciting thoughts and feelings set in. With that came in a lot more guilt ! I became uncomfortable about the fact that God knew “all”my thoughts. I struggled between keeping myself pure so that God remains pleased with me , but my “Mills and Boon”desires seem to pull me away from God many a time ! That was the most beautiful and highly confused period of my life. I tried hard to keep my thoughts “blemish free” and concentrated on my studies.

As I grew, I learned to bargain with God too. I would tell Him “God I will not eat non-vegetarian food on particular days; I will control my desire to eat it– can you please make my wish about coming first in this test come true ? “I used to panic a lot when my mom fell ill; and I always ended up feeling guilty because I believed that God was punishing me by making my mom suffer because of my evil thoughts and deeds ! In short, when my thought processes were not fully mature , I viewed God as a powerful person , who knew everything, including my innermost thoughts and desires . I believed that if I was good , I would be spared of His anger and He would bless me by granting me all my desires. This fear of God acted as a protective shield from many unwanted distractions I encountered in life. But it also curtailed my rational analyzing power many a time , and left me with irrational feelings of guilt !

Then came my college days and a much more mature me. I went to temples whenever I could and felt very peaceful when I stood in front of Him with my hands folded. I no longer kept my eyes closed when I prayed to Him. I found happiness looking at Him; talking to Him just like I talk to a friend - and I started to love Him too. I felt immense strength when I had Him near me. I prayed to Him frequently to give me a good future – a good job, a good life-partner and I constantly pestered Him to make my wishes come true !

Soon I entered into a period of life where I was well-settled; I found a wonderful life-partner and was ready to have lots of babies. Life was happy - but I found to my dismay that I could not get pregnant. I saw that something which was very natural and easy for others was denied to me. During this time I got a lot of advises on - which God to pray; what to offer Him; what kind of fasting and prayers I could do in order to please Him so that I could get my child! I prayed to God faithfully; swallowed the “prasadams” which was offered to Him - and fasted as instructed. I got pregnant – but went through a traumatic miscarriage!

This was when I was exposed to “life”. My pain made me receptive to other’s pain. I started to look around and realized that there are many others who suffer more than me. Suffering leads to “enlightenment”;suffering and pain opens up our mind; it makes us to search for “truth”. We only learn from adversity in our life – and what we choose to learn is upto us ! I am sure the “Bodhi tree” stands as an euphemism for “suffering” - and everyone becomes a little Buddha during some point in their life when they are faced with grief and agony !

The pain of infertility was so intense that I did my best to escape from it. The only reasonable way out, which is within my reach, is to acquire knowledge. When I say knowledge , it doesn’t mean scientific knowledge alone , but an attempt to get some rational answers to philosophical questions. Why did this happen to me ? Why did God forsake me ? Why is He making me suffer ? What did I do wrong ? Why do I have to endure this pain ? Is infertility a punishment ? Why can’t God help me out ? Why does God bless someone with a baby when they don’t want one - and when I need one so badly, why is He denying me that happiness ? Why are unwanted babies created and thrown in dustbins when there are so many people struggling to have one ? Why are so many children born to people who cannot even feed them properly ? When many drug addicts and pedophiles can have a baby without trouble, why can’t I? Why do bad things happen to good people ? I needed answers; answers which could ease my pain. Whom should I turn to? Where will I get the answers so that I will find peace of mind ?

When I carefully analyzed all the questions which arose in my mind, I understood that God is the anchor and all the questions are connected to Him in one way or another. I realized that, I will get the needed answers only if I could understand who God is ! Do I really know the person whom I am depending on all my life ? Where is He, what does He look like ? Does He really have anything to do with suffering ? Does He punish us when we do wrong ? Will He wipe my tears ? Does He posses the magical wand to make our reasonable desires (my baby wish !) come true ? WHO IS HE ?!

Below is my humble attempt to understand who God is ! I am no expert in religious literature, although I do try to grasp the crux of what is said in them. This article is like a baby’s first step , and I hope it doesn’t hurt anyone’s ideology. I hope I will not get a mail saying I am a blasphemer! The following definition I developed in my mind about God helped to me to be at peace with myself - and I hope it helps some of you too.

God is a form of energy. There is a powerful energy which is operating in this world. We can understand it when we think about this world’s architecture. In fact, why consider such complex things –just think about our body and how reproduction happens. Two minute cells unite to give birth to the most complex living organism. Being a biologist, I am always bewildered by all the minute yet complex processes that work in unison to keep us alive- and to create a new life form ! For such a complex process to work perfectly, there should be a designer. Doesn’t the accuracy by which this world functions and by which our body functions demand the existence of an omnipotent designer ? I believe there is a “super brain” at work behind the complexities and perfectness of life. There is an unimaginable and unfathomable force that operates in this world and we call that energy God. Imagine neglecting your home for a few months – the orderliness of your home will be gone ! Your home needs “you” to keep it in order ! Likewise , this world needs a “super power” to maintain its orderliness!

However, that energy (God) has nothing to do with making us cry or wiping your tears; it has nothing to do with the sufferings that happen in this world; it has nothing to do with giving me a baby or not giving me a baby; it is not responsible for our happiness or sadness. In short, it is an energy which doesn’t operate keeping an individual’s goodness in mind. It doesn’t even have a mind (thoughts like humans !), it is just an energy which is dissipated evenly throughout this world!

Such magnificent energy cannot be seen but it can be felt. You can feel it when you immerse yourself in the beauty and magnificence of nature. You can feel it in the kindness which people show you and in the love you give others. You can feel it when you help others - and when they help you. You can feel it , if you keep your heart open, in the work you do; in the warmth and compassion in this world; in a baby (any baby - not only in a human baby!); in suffering and pain; in happiness and joy; in a beautiful smile; in the perfect functioning of our body everything, everything ! You can also feel that energy when it takes a destructive form - in a storm, in a tsunami, in an earthquake. The same energy which protects this world can destroy it too !

Why is it so; why do bad things happen ? Why there are natural disasters ? Why there are diseases, hatred, war, crime ? Why do humans inflict suffering on fellow humans ? Again , it has nothing to do with that energy’s intent. You can use that energy to help you; to make you a better person; to live in absolute love and peace; to increase your happiness; and to make this world a better place to live in. You can also use that energy to destroy your happiness; to destroy peace and love; to make yourself miserable; and to bring darkness into this world. That energy which pervades everything actually takes the form of the mind which uses it. The negative form of that energy is very powerful and dangerous too. But without its negative form , we will never be able to appreciate its positivity.

This is why it is said that God is everywhere, in all life forms. I don’t believe in a God who is ready to wipe my tears; I don't believe in a God who is waiting to punish when I do something wrong or reward me when I do something good; I don’t believe in a God who gives me what I desire; I don’t believe in a God who will come to help me when I am in pain ! All this cannot be performed by God (by that energy)– but humans can do it , with the help of that omnipotent, omnipresent energy. Every human takes the role of God many a time. I see God in the love I get, in the help I receive, in the warmth and compassion of many fellow beings, I see God in a beautiful smile, in a child’s happiness and I see God in myself too , many a time.

A Chinese student works with me; I help him in his work. Few days before he asked me when I am going to India; and I told him about IVF treatment and so on. I told him when everything goes OK , I will go very soon for having a FET. Few days later he came to me and said, “Manju, I want to tell you something”. I thought he wants to talk about his work. But he said “ Manju my mom and dad got married very late. I was born to my mom at 35 and my little brother was born when my mom was 40; so Manju, please do not worry, everything will happen in good time for you as well “. I saw that positive energy in him; the energy which wanted me to give me some courage and comfort. I had tears in my eye - and even now they roll down my cheeks when I write about his kindness. There is God in the feeling I am having now - absolute gratefulness !

Please do not think that sufferings are a punishment from God. God doesn’t punish or reward anyone. When we are happy and content we never think “Why me ?”. We accept it so naturally. Just like happiness and joy, pain and suffering are an essential part of life; and we need to accept them too. Every adverse moment helps us to grow spiritually; it teaches us to use the omnipotent energy in the proper way. When there is no pain there is no gain ! We should learn to use the positive form of God (love, empathy, compassion, contentment, gratitude , knowledge, wisdom etc) to keep us strong during difficult times. After all, the aim of life is to find its purpose and such an“enlightenment” comes only during arduous times ! Remember, only the people who go through tough times make this world a better place to live in, with their contributions to mankind ! Gandhi was determined to fight for freedom only after he was thrown out of the railway compartment by an arrogant Britisher ! He transmuted his anger into a positive desire to help his suffering countrymen ! God comes wherever there is pain and suffering. You get to know God better when you suffer.

Always keep in mind that our thinking has enormous power. That is why we unknowingly attract people whom we love and repel people whom we hate. We are what we think ! Prayer is nothing but concentrated thinking. Praying to God may not get you what you want , but it will help you to accept what you get . Thinking and praying is also an expression of that omnipotent energy – good thinking bring forth good deeds and hence a better life ! A better life doesn’t just mean physical comforts; a better life doesn’t always mean a baby; a better life doesn’t mean good health – a better life means a heart ready to accept things as they are, and a mind which is prepared to face the struggle and come out of it successfully !

So, instead of searching for God somewhere else; instead of believing that God will help us ; instead of believing that God will make this world a better place; if we try to use the energy which is within us; which is around us; which is everywhere–we can make this world a better and beautiful place to live in. God is the energy that keeps the world going. It is the energy that keeps us going too. Perhaps that’s the energy which gives me the courage and strength to fight infertility! There is no guarantee that I will end up with a baby in hand with the help of God; but I am sure I will be a better person at the end of this journey - and that is what matters the most !

I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong.

-          John Lennon

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Anisha is 4 months old !

Our little one has grown up a lot. During the previous medical check up, she is much taller than she should be. She is almost 7 kgs now. I can't be proud and thankful enough. Even German mothers comment, "Oh, she is big !" I think, feeding her whenever she needs and co-sleeping, has made this positive difference.  Breastfeeding continues without any problem.

Anisha, watches TV ! She loves watching animated rhymes and I love it too. When I was young, in the rhymes book, there will be a single picture depicting a scene of the rhyme. That picture combined with my imagination made many characters in the rhymes come alive. I still remember worrying for the broken humpty dumpty ! Now, these animated rhymes make every character come alive so beautifully, even I can't take my eyes off ! Children's world is just amazing. I am happy that I could be part of it again. Before Anisha falls asleep at night, I sing her many rhymes. She will smile and smile, get hungry, drink milk and fall asleep.

Anisha, nowadays love playing with my nipples. She keeps her mouth, takes it off and this game continues until she really gets hungry. When I say, "Anisha, it pains", she looks at me and flashes a very naughty smile. The pain vanishes immediately and I allow her to continue the prank. Another comedy is, during night, when she gets up for feeding, she wants to find my nipples in that dim light. She has also recently developed the habit of throwing her hands around my breast covering part of my breast and hiding her mouth. I will be sleepy too. We try to find each other in the dark - she searches for my nipple and I for her mouth. This continues in vain for sometime and she starts crying in frustration :) This makes me wide awake and I try to solve who the problem as quick as possible. She doesn't want that I talk when feeding. When I talk to Rajender she stops feeding and gives a very discontent look. If I continue talking, she raises her hand showing a finger and makes a crying face. That means, I must stop talking :) Oh, this little one !!!

She wants to sit. We try hard to keep her back well supported. She sometime gets very frustrated because of this and start screaming. She raises her back and tries to sit in her comfort chair.

After the completion of her third month, she attended three parties. Two, hosted by our friends, and one, we held to introduce Anisha to our friends. The very friendly, all smiling Anisha, was crying, crying and crying. She was not happy with the crowd and the noise. Only her dad could pacify her for sometime and she felt comfortable staying with her dad all the time. She was not happy to see a different mom - a mom who was always in nighty and no make-up to a mom wearing a saree or suit and with make-up !

She gets up once a night, rarely twice. Very recently, she has started to try to catch the playthings hanging on her play mat. She also had her first set of vaccinations.

Resemblance - hmm...yeah, I should admit that she looks more like Rajender. I still believe she has eyes which resembles mine, hopefully ! And, I love people when they say that she resembles me.

I can't be happy and thankful enough when I see her. We always remember our dark days and wonder how life has changed. All the past happenings have made me realize that everything will pass, until then, it is wise to be happy everyday for my blessings !

Please keep Anisha in your prayers ! All your blessings are priceless.

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